Dear Best Friend

I need to space myself from everything and everyone. I have literally always put other people’s problems before my own and just put people in front of me in general. I realized that this is also a part of why I am not okay. I have gone my whole life resenting my problems to be able to comfort others first. I’ve gotten so used to just saying I’m fine and I’m okay but the truth is that I am not okay. It’s hard for me to express how i feel and this is better, to just write it out. I just feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not who I used to be. It’s gotten to the point where there is no longer a specific thing that puts us down. It’s just a general feeling of unhappiness . hopelessness. numbness. But explaining that to someone who doesn’t understand is impossible, because to them, there has to be a reason for the way we feel. So eventually we just start saying we’re fine. I remember even telling you that i’ve changed and this whole time i just blame that on maybe “maturing” and growing up but no, its not, its bcz im shutting down and dont have any more energy to be who i was. I feel as if I put up an act with everyone and my friends bcz that’s the way they know me, as the fun, loud,crazy girl. I feel like I’m eating myself alive. I find the worst things to think about constantly and replay them in my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell my friends that I don’t feel good or that I’m not okay, sometimes I don’t even know how i actually feel… i’m the type of person that can be sad one second and happy the next so if i were to tell someone or my friends that i’m not okay, i wouldn’t want them to think i’m lying to them because i got happy again, and sometimes i’m sad for no reason, so id rather keep it to myself and say nothing at all. I tend to get really unmotivated and often ask myself “why am i even doing this, what’s the point’’There’s so much more but it’s still hard for me to talk about and just to even explain.

You’re my best friend and I don’t want you to think that this is a break up or a break or anything like that because i’m staying here to support you. That’s the thing, the way we cope with our feelings are different. I tend to just push everyone and everything away. I like to work on my own and fix things on my own. I become independent. When I’m going through stuff, stressed or depressed I tend to stop talking to everyone and when I’m okay again, I start back communicating with everyone like nothing ever happened. It’s not being funny acting, I just deal with things ALONE.With you I feel like you like to be with people who comfort you and you need the comfort to know you’re going to be okay.

I might not show you how much I appreciate you in my life but I just want you to know that I am very grateful to have you. I love you from the bottom of my heart, your happiness is my happiness and your sadness is mine too.

Love, Angelica O